Good evening world... Its been a good start of the week. Went to the gym yesterday and swimming today. My fitness program has taken off! A bit wary of the 2.4km run though... I took 20 mins to run 2 km on monday. I think something is wrong with the machine. Maybe it was counting in miles or something. :P
Nevermind... Rest tomorrow and gym again on Thursday.
Been planning for the church carnival this saturday. So Pat & Gloria have been coming over after school. Ben came also yesterday... We did the banner and the equipment needed for the games. Its really good to have friends over. It really brightens the day by giving me something to look forward to. Keeps my mind off things. Had a sumptuous dinner/supper at bedok 85. Pork porridge, satay and a mouthful of stingray. :P~
So anyway, in the short span of an hour, I've made plans for the next 2 days. Going back to Temasek Poly to get my diploma and watch Christina and her band in the library. Maybe drop by church to get my guitar, get bible study material from Andy and pay him back for New Star Soccer 2. Then I'll meet Cheng in the evening at cineleisure to watch Garfield.
On Thursday, I'll be meeting Elissa to watch The Terminal in the morning. Meeting Dennis in the evening for dinner. Friday should be spent finishing up the carnival stuff and setting up in church.
Barney asked about DG just now... So glad he did. Really shows that he wants to learn. Such an encouragement to me. Made me all the more excited about getting the material from Andy. Praise God this has been a good week. Thank God for everyone.
::: Verse of the Day :::
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
| Lamentations 3:22-23 |
Sunday Service... It was global music sunday. I was trying to appreciate the music and the actions that we had to follow for worship. I was trying to worship God with music I didn't enjoy and singing that I wasn't used to. I was about to make it happen. And then she had to go and say that "...some church's worships are so noisy! No different from shopping centres!"
It just killed my focus... It took me a few moments to convince myself that she wasn't referring to our church. She doesn't know about our worship and our desire to please God. It was simply her opinion and her taste in music which was different.
So anyway, we had a good time of pre-service prayer. I believe God spoke to me during the prayer.
If you fulfill your responsibilities, if you are obedient, I will fulfill my end of the bargain. I will do what you ask. I will bless your church and make it prosperous. Not only financially, but you as a church will grow spiritually mature.
If you are truly a people after my heart, prove yourselves. Prove that you are able to handle my blessings and bless others. Do what I have asked you to do. Pray!! You pray for the leaders? I have heard your cries and I will answer you. Just like I heard and answered the cries of my people and delivered them from Egypt. Pray for yourself(yourselves)! You are the future of this church.
I couldn't take anymore at this point. Kinda like information overload. I don't know what to make of this. Kinda sensitive I know. :/
Gathering of Gatherers (GG) was good too! Stanley taught on leadership again. On how Leadership requires an understanding of the people you're leading. A part of it was similar to my last post about having tact. Thank God that what He teaches me from different sources are about the same topic. Thats the wonder of His divine syllabus!
Had a really enjoyable time for dinner with Xiong, Gloria & Dennis. Had a killer burger at Blooie's. Talked for very long after dinner and then went to The Cheescake Cafe for dessert. We had Raspberry Oreo Cheesecake, Walnut Cheesecake, Blueberry Cheesecake and Tiramisu (my favourite). Dennis and I shared a Ice Chocolate Float and Xiong had Earl Grey Tea. Joked and laughed about many things. Mainly about girls (or the lack thereof). Wahahaha...
Super tired... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz...
Today was definitely the best day of the week. For one thing, I got out of the house!! Thats always good! Met up with the cell group today. Jeremy Gan had his first book out today. So glad that he came for cell. Really good to see him. I think I was inexplicably cheerful today. I just felt so elated that the members turned up. Not that they haven't been coming for cell. I don't know how to put it. :P Just happy I guess.
Had our first prayer session for the XS youth before combined word today. Although it was only the 3 of us (Pat, Gloria & myself), I feel that its the start of a whole new season for the XS youth. Great things can only be set in motion through prayer. I'm glad that Pat organised it because its been something that I've been having a burden for. Actually its for the whole church. But XS is a part of the church and its like the core. I know its been mentioned before, but these are the next batch of leaders. I've been praying for them on my own but its always good to come together because for the body of Christ to change, the body of Christ must desire and pray for it to happen.
Another thing I need to learn. I won't say I'm a good judge of character (I thought I was!), but I do sometimes get insights of certain people and situations. Like things that they need to do or learn. But what I need to learn is that people won't take it if you force it down their throats. Although you need to be firm and direct occasionally, most of the time you just need one thing.
Tact
Without it, people will just close up and shut you out. Maybe you do know what you're talking about or maybe you don't. But once you offend people with your words, you won't get anything out of them. Not even the chance to know if you were right or not. The lesson of the day... Although God may show me the root of problem, I need to continue listening for His instructions. It may simply be for my own knowledge so that I'll know how to work with the person in future. Most problems don't require my intervention. Its between them and God. Only bring it up if God tells me to do it.
So anyway, I met up with Matt, Jean, Ziig, Joshua, Cheng, Hafiz and Aaron to watch "Anaconda: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid". It wasn't as bad as I thought. But it was still bad... Haha. The best thing to do when you watch crappy movies like these is to laugh at the sheer predictability of the storyline. It was just so much like Jurassic Park. I was right about the monkey and the black guy. Heheheh... It was Matt's first book out too. So it was good to see him. Especially with the botak head. :D
Good morning... This is like the earliest I've woken up for many weeks! Except on Sundays of course. Supposed to meet up with Andy and then go for a swim. But he couldn't squeeze in the time. Has to be in NUS at 12 I think. I think I'll go down at 11am for a dip.
Meeting up with Gloria later to meet up with Josephine from the dance ministry in PLMC. She was with us in ChiangMai in June. It'll be good to get out of the house. Wahaha...
I've been looking back through the old pictures in my computer... About 3 years worth! Its funny how most of them leave with you with a sense of regret and longing. Not being sad but the kind of longing where you miss old friends and special events. Kinda like nostalgia. Here's one from ChiangMai in August that makes me smile.
Better get changed. The pool is calling out.
Wheee... I screwed up again. Hahaha! It didn't work. Or rather, it didn't work out the way I would have liked.
Been slacking alot during the weekdays. Spending lots of time on the computer. Mainly doing reading, checking up on verses, soccer results. Things like that. Just started playing this new game called New Star Soccer 2. Introduced to me by Andy. I actually asked Andy to purchase the registration key for me because I'm so addicted to it.
I took a nap after dinner because I wasn't feeling too good. I couldn't really fall asleep. And staring out of my window from the darkness of my room didn't help. So I decided to get up to read the bible. I was reading the bible just now when I glanced at the date on my phone realised that it was now September... I'm in the same month as the day I need to enlist for army!!! 28 days and counting. I resolve to go jogging after my sprain has gotten better. Hopefully by tomorrow.
Which is worse?
The one with problems? Or one who finds problems with others?
Someone who does wrong? Or someone who 'repays' a wrong?
The unforgiven? Or the unforgiving?
The unloved? Or those who choose not to love?
::: Lyric of the Day :::
And there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you.
Searching for something I could never give you.
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.
| third eye blind - god of wine |
Sometimes people ask you 'whats wrong?' and expect you to have an answer. But sometimes there's just no way to answer. Its not any single thing that bogs you down but the little things combined. Its not that things are too hard to take or that life is unbearable. Its more like a reminder of how hard things are. Like something in your peripheral vision which distracts you from your focus. Then you lose your bearings for awhile.
There's no way I'm going to lose out. I'll damn this competitive spirit, this pride and this envy. But I've decided to study by myself. If I can't go to Rhema now then I'll study with books, online teachings and other material. I've already started. I've got slightly under a month before army and I intend to make good use of it. Time to get a good headstart. Gather speed before I hit the uphill slope.
Every day is a new battle. A tough battle indeed. But it is a battle to be won. My responsibilty is to live a life holy and pleasing. Then the details will be given.
Yet another Sunday where I don't have anything on after church. Spent the afternoon playing table tennis. I'm addicted to the game again. After that, Thomson, Liwei, Gerald and Jean came to play soccer at my place. There were alot of people from my estate playing today. Had 4 teams. I didn't score any goals today. Sad.
Played from 5:45pm to 8:45pm. Injured myself near the end. Stepped on a guys heel and sprained my ankle. Not a very good day for Gerald also. He lost his wallet. :/
Sometimes, all you can do is surround yourself with friends, immerse yourself in God's work and pray for the best. Then you hope that it'll take your mind off things. But you can't always drown it out.
Changes are coming... But I dare not even hope for anything.
What are you doing? What are you trying to achieve? What is it you really want? I'm not going to sit here and let you walk all over my God. I won't stand to have you lie to my God. There's no two ways about it. Don't try to blur the line between right and wrong. It is by grace, true enough. But grace doesn't make wrong right. Grace doesn't give you the permission to take advantage.
A part of me hopes she stays away and that she'll continue what she's doing. Because in a selfish way, it gives me a reason to push her away. To pretend that she's not good enough. But I've been praying for her to come back. And if God requires this of me, then I'll do it.
::: Song of the Day :::
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be... frail
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
| jars of clay - frail |
Went for Gospel Invasion this afternoon. We had it at Parkway Parade instead of Tampines Mall this time. I only had 2 respondants. People don't have time to stop nowadays... Thats one of the excuses they give. I don't mind if you don't want to spare 5 minutes of your time. I really don't! But whats up with the lame excuses?
On a brighter note, there were 3 PRCs today. So I really thank God for that...
Spunky's on my lap now... I think I'm beginning to love my dog more. He's adorable when he just sits quietly beside me. Content to be near me and just enjoy my company. Thats more than i can ask for.
Here's some old school lyrics. This song was out when I was in Secondary three. Sometimes, you don't understand till much later in life.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
An open invitation to the dance,
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in,
No apology because my urge is genuine,
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine,
Here I am and I want to take a hit,
Of your scent and it bit,
So deep into my soul,
I want you,
You do, you do,
You make me want you
| third eye blind - i want you |
Sent out an email this evening concerning prayer for the Gospel Invasion this saturday. I did this because I realised a couple of days ago that God can only work through our prayers. Look at all the events which have had an impact. Seeker Service, Youth Camps, SonicFest... They all had one thing in common. People who prayed for things to happen. And I'm convinced that this is required.
Pray against any distractions from the evil one and that their minds will be clear when we share with them.
That their eyes will be unveiled so that they will see what Christ has done for them.
2. Pray that XS will catch the passion of God’s heart. That we’ll want to fulfil the desire of God which is to see all men come to a saving knowledge of Christ. (See 1 Timothy 2:4.)
3. Pray for boldness for ourselves. That we’ll go forth having the confidence that He will give us the words to say just like Paul prayed for in Ephesians 6:18-20
4. Pray against the spirit of fear that may come upon some of us. Praise God that fear has no place in the body of Christ as promised in Romans 8:15.
Dear Dear God... Is it supposed to be this torturous? Everytime I try to push it away, it comes back twice as strong. Lord, it cannot be like this because it doesn't fit your plan. All I know is that it feels so right. But then again, emotions can screw up decision making.
3 things I pray for...
A Spiritual awakening. That the veil of worldly blindness be removed from her.
A hunger for your Word to be stirred up in her.
A desire for your will to be carried out in her life.
Whoever she is, Lord. This is what I ask for. Even though every part of my being cries out for action, I'll stay silent and quiet and I'll wait for my reward. Being in this situation is testimony to Your goodness. Even when I thought it would be impossible, You have healed my heart and lifted me up. In fact I praise You Lord because I know You are El Shaddai! The Almighty One. You are on top of my situation and you see the entire flow of events. And I know it is good! Because You have prepared a path for me in which You give me the best!
I will laugh in the face of adversity. I will laugh in the face of depression because I know that these are just lies. I know that Satan is just trying to prevent me from reaching my full potential. Lord, I have my victory in You! You have won the battle and the war. Hallelujah! I choose to cling to You all the more tightly. And I'll choose to rejoice as well because You are there for me! Everyday I will rejoice because I have my Jesus. And my Jesus is more than enough for me!!!
I slept alot yesterday... Woke up at 12-ish and slept again in the afternoon. I guess thats why I'm up so late. At least I got to watch Manchester United book their place in the Champions League with a 5-1 aggregate win over Dinamo Bucharest. They just won 3-0 in the 2nd leg.
Received this email, written by Stanley but forwarded by Andy to all the youth leaders. He was encouraging Andy about the good influence that XS has on the youth in church. He also mentioned that it was evident in the recent gathering at Rachelle's house. But the thing that caught my attention was the following line in the email...
Another Youth which I've seen tremendous change in is Daryl Goh... need not share further as his change is very obvious.
Obvious? I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or insult. Haha!! Why is there no need to share further? How bad was I before? :P Anyway, I praise God that He has made my righteousness shine like the dawn. Just like He promised in Psalms 37:6... I will continue to trust & delight myself in Him. I am far from perfect and far from what He wants me to be.
There's no other way to put it. Once in a while, a song comes and just hits you in the face with pure meaning and passion in the lyrics. One of those simple songs that betray the love for God in the writer's heart. That leaves you dizzy in worshipful silence when you realise that there's no other way to say it. And all you can do is repeat it over and over in your heart. Hoping that God will understand the true extent of your love for Him in the limited language that you express yourself in.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me
This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very Word
Spoken to me
And I, I'm desperate for You
And I, I'm lost without You
| Vineyard Music - Breathe (Lyrics by Marie Barnett) |
It was a semi-productive day today. Learnt quite a bit watching camp meeting on Rhema.org. How is it they learn so much? Amazing what they gain from the Word of God. My new favourite verse is Hebrews 4:1-3.
Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.
For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.
Now we who have believed enter that rest.....
My joy is in the name of the Lord. For He is good and His mercies endure forever!!! He never left me nor did He forget about me. As long as there is breath in me, I will praise the Lord! I will choose to give Him glory. I will speak out His promises to remind myself that I am redeemed by the blood. That I am righteous. That I am a king and a priest and a son. That I am chosen. That I have a reason to live and a purpose to fulfill. Hallelujah!!! Amen!
For inspiring me with your attitude, your plans and your life.
What a fulfilling Sunday. Went for prayer at 10:30am. Then had a AMAZING worship led by Shaoxiong... God's really using him to lead the church into higher worship. Felt that he stepped out in faith today to bring us up. Praise God he took that step. Our church is rising... I can feel it. Product of prayer, ladies and gentlemen. Now we need to rally more prayer warriors.
Played soccer at Serangoon Secondary School today. Watched the first half of the match. Amazing how the team I was playing for (bandung united), managed to equalise twice after conceding. Showed strength and determination. Their midfield also impressed me. Halftime came and the score was 2-2. I met Christine at halftime cos she was just living at the condo opposite the field and she came down for a walk.
Got subbed in at half time into a leftback role. Decided to make a early run upfield and received a late late tackle after I passed the ball to a teammate. My teammate lost the ball and from the attack that resulted, we conceded a goal. Had some difficulty in left back. Wrong side and wrong position. I prefer playing on the right of midfield. One of the players (69) swapped with me after awhile asking me to play left midfield. I was surprised at how easy it was to skip past the defence. Although they were agressive, I managed to get 2 shots in. Both were too weak though. A square ball to my striker also didn't result in anything. We managed to pull back to 3-3.
The highlight of the match was the fight that took place. One of my teammates got kicked twice by 2 of the opponents. Cheap shots cos the first one was from behind and the 2nd one was while he was on the ground. Finally got all the players to calm down before resuming the game. I'm glad I got to play today.
Went to the airport in the evening. See Gloria back from Thailand. Its good to see her again but its kinda obvious that she misses ChiangMai. Praying for God to refine that passion. Heard some bad news from a friend from the mission trip boot camp. One of my team members, he was from YWAM, passed away 2 weeks ago.
Lord... I pray for the questions to be answered. Don't leave them guessing. Especially if it concerns their faith. Lord, help them to understand. In your precious name, Jesus, Amen.
What a renewing time at prayer seminar. Especially when she sang again. Ever heard angels? I haven't... but I have an idea of how they would sound like. Such peace in song, in music. Such encouragement.
Its kinda cheesy but I felt that when I heard her speak in tongues, I thought I had the interpretation. Maybe not interpreting it but I kinda understood what she spoke? I should observe this more... But of course she did a much better job of interpreting.
I'm happy for the people who bothered to come down. I'm sure they were ministered too. For those who weren't free, I pray that more opportunities will arise where they can learn.
We are going to be a hub in which missionaries will be sent out. No one goes to war without preparation. Just like soldiers need to go through military training, Christians need to go through Spiritual training. My work is to pray.
no more distractions.
I'm tired... mentally. So many things on my mind. The youth in ChiangMai, the youth in church, my cell group, my personal life. Then there are things that keep repeating over and over again. Things that keep coming up. Things that I don't wish to think about anymore. But they keep coming back.
Decisions to make. I wish that I could just be alone for now. I don't want to be bothered for awhile. I don't want to decide anything. It makes me sick to the stomach. I just realised that I'm not the type who can fool around. There's a bar preventing me from doing that. So I'm going to stop trying.
Prayer seminar was good. Like a revision of things that I've learnt. I'm glad that quite a lot of people came for the first session. Glad to see them taking notes. But I hope that they actually do utilize the knowledge they've gained. Hope to learn more tomorrow afternoon.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Excuse me, could you put those tears on hold?
I seem to have misplaced your heart
Are we stopping to get directions?
Or are you too proud to ask?
Bitter winter galleries display these works of art
Could you think of a better way?
One that doesn't require effort?
Turn around please, easy does it...
The lights dance playfully
shimmering through, pressed on the liquid glass
straining to keep them in
and the head tilts back
The flutter of the eyelids
ever so slightly, you don't want to start the deluge
You don't want them to see those drops of weakness
From a whine to a wail, a scream to a roar
Still you keep it in
Low, like you don't feel
Finally they weigh down
Goodbye, Goodnight
Ignore my plight
Remain unknown
Unheard
Unhurt
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You can talk & talk and explain & explain but if a person refuses to believe, then it'll just be a waste of time. So I'm glad that this is not a waste. I don't want my life to revolve around this anymore. But its hard if you keep getting pulled back into it. So many times I thought, "Yes! Its finally dealt with." But it always doesn't seem to be the end. I hope it really is the end.
Prayer Seminar tonight. Looking forward to it...
I found my oasis. Thank You God.
::: Verse of the Day :::
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.
Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land-a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.
| Deuteronomy 8:2-9 |
It just took all of that to come to a screeching halt, to get to the point of having nothing, for me to finally realize, "Hey, what are you fighting with this for?"
Until then, I hadn't claimed my faith as my own; I had just grown up with it. But I finally got to that point after years and years of running from God. Christ stepped in when I asked him.
| Scott Stapp (former frontman of Creed) |
Similar to my testimony.
Dear God... I'm sorry. I do stupid things. I want to walk with you but I keep getting distracted. There are no excuses. I don't want to stray. But the question that keeps coming up is 'Why bother?'. Why indeed...
You've always showed me hope when I had none. Little reminders that it is possible. Lord I pray that there'll be another oasis because I'm feeling lost and discouraged in this desert. Amen.
::: Quote of the Day :::
Keep doing that. Keep shooting yourself in your foot.
Now what the heck did I do to mess up this time?
Just how did I deserve to be called those things?
Don't you just hate it when you get in trouble for something you have no idea about. Its like being pronounced guilty even before you have an idea of what crime was committed. I have my flaws... True. But if you don't like them then don't keep standing there looking at them. Tell me about it and if its worth changing, I'll change... If I don't, then live with it. If you can't then stop looking at it.There are so many things I wanted to journal down. But it won't be a good idea...
If I wanted, I could continue this... But no good will come out of it.
Anyway, Jeremy going in to tekong tomorrow... Gotta get some sleep.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it, When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
| john mayer - love song for no one |
Here are the lyrics to the song I wrote... Don't ask me who the girl in friendster is. I just couldn't think of a better song title. I wrote the tune and lyrics in 30 minutes on Sunday morning at about 2am? Then did the recording in another 30 minutes. Please let me know what you think about the song...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
When you feel the heat rush to your head
You know its too late(x2)
When you feel the lust turn into hate
You know its too late(x2)
[PRE-CHORUS]
And she just refuses to smile
You know its just not worth your while
[CHORUS]
But she drives me wild(x4)
What thoughts lie behind that beautiful stare
You know that I care(x2)
You've lost all hope and you start to despair
You know that I care(x2)
[BRIDGE]
There used to be a time where it used to be me
There were so many things that I couldn't see
You lay in my arms and you told me everything
But now all I see of you are in faded memories
[PART 2]
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
|daryl - the girl on friendster|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Okie... Its always strange coming back to Singapore after being away for awhile. Its like nothing here has changed but you feel strangely detached from it all. But one thing good about this situation is that the team is closer after it all.
Reading the signs can be dangerous. Ask me why people don't make their moves and I'll show you the risks that we have to face. It may even cause a backward decline. And so I'm here today with decisions to make. I want more.. but I don't want to lose what I have.
So what have I been up to since I got back? Nothing much actually. Watching some of the DVDs that I bought from Bangkok... Wrote a new song (Comments?)... Played table tennis on Sunday (Albert is good!)... Went for Rachelle's farewell party... Had a good time there with all the games and sharing. Gonna miss her.
Here's some colorquiz I took... Some of it is true, some of it WAS true. Some are totally off the mark. But it makes an interesting read.
Your Stress Sources
Your Restrained Characteristics
Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him.
Your Actual Problem
|
-ChiangMai Day 6-
Our last day here... Spent the morning at Sanphranet School again before heading down to to the Kindergarten at the new church. Can't remember the name. Mae Yoy or something like that. Helped to fix up a minature basketball hoop stand with Jeremy. After that I slacked for awhile. Jeremy was playing hide & seek with Atin...
Did some colouring for the kindergarten materials. Pat & I had to colour to outlines of some pictures to make them nicer. Jeremy was doing lamination. Fell asleep after that... The rest of the team had gone for visitation at a hospital.
Was supposed to go for home cell after dinner but it started to rain quite heavily. Lynette, Xiong and Stefanie had to sit in the open at the back of the truck while it rained... Quite funny to see them soaked and shivering... :P But kinda poor thing also. Since we couldn't go for cell we decided to eat in by ordering pizza. Had a debrief and a great time of prayer before sleeping.
Would leave for bangkok the next morning. The trip although short was one that was necessary both for the Sanphranet church and community as well as ourselves. I pray that people's lives will continue to be changed. We may not have done much in bringing people to Christ but I feel that this was in a way, encouraging and equipping them to be able to draw strength from God when they evangelise and run the church.
Click the picture on the left to view my photoblog... Just some of the pictures that I took on the trip. Thanks!
-Chiang Mai Day 5-
We had a good time of worship and prayer in the morning. Lynette appointed me to lead worship this morning. So far its been Xiong and Stefanie doing the morning worships and they've been doing well! I wasn't keen about leading cos I don't memorise the chords. I need to have the chords if I'm playing. Thank God I managed to find 2 or 3 songs rather quickly. It was a refreshing time and I am still surprised at how God works.
We went back to Sanphranet school to teach again today. Its amazing what a simple song and a bag of sweets can do... Revised the 'head & shoulders' song with them before playing games with them. They like running! They also loved it when I took pictures of them. They crowded round me pushing and posing for the shot.
Went for another buffet in the afternoon. I give testimony to the fact that those called by the Lord to do His work will not go hungry! :P
Food wasn't very good though. Probably still full from the previous night's heavy dinner. The team had to split up in the evening because we had to teach English to some of the youth and we had to go for house visitation as well...
Xiong, Jeremy & Stefanie stayed to teach English while Lynette, Pat & myself went to visit one of the youth, Rin's, family. Her stepfather was in hospital and so we went to pray for them. The visit confirmed an impression from God about Rin the day before when we were praying for 3 of the girls... About her having lots of questions and not being able to let go of certain things.
-ChiangMai Day 4-
Sunday Service in Sanphranet Church. The service started about 30-40 minutes behind schedule. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the sanctuary full. When we had arrived in ChiangMai, Pastor Prasarn had mentioned something about the church having bought new chairs. And almost every one of the blue plastic chairs was occupied... Again was asked to play drums at the last minute. I didn't know any of the songs but managed to keep time. (I think... :P)
The youth of the church put up a skit about mothers and how we should treasure them and obey them. A bit sad when the mother in the play died in the end. Kinda like a surprise ending... Haha! The youth also sang a song and then did a dance as well... Had a wonderful mother's day lunch after the service.
We conducted the worship workshop in the afternoon. Lynette did a teaching about worshipping in Spirit and in Truth. I loved the 'practical' session when we all worshipped together. Lynette on keyboards, Stef on guitar, Xiong on bass, myself on drums and Pat & Jem singing with Pastor and the youth. It reminded me again about the day where every tongue & tribe will praise God together in one voice. It was beautiful. They know how to worship... They just have to do it and not wait to 'stumble' across the Spirit now and then.
The thing that really hit wme was when all of us started praying together in unison after the workshop. The Holy Spirit just descended and filled the room so quickly that it literally took my breath away. I admire how easy it is for God to work over there. Maybe because of the mentality? Because there are less distractions? The attitude?
Had a time of relaxation after that when we headed down to have a Thai buffet... Ate insanely large amounts of food and enjoyed every mouthful. Was the last one to finish eating yet again. But I think I ate the most this night. After that the team made its way to Walk Street for shopping. Us guys weren't very interested in shopping there cos Jeremy & I had been there before. Boring and expensive.
Pastor Prasarn had enticed us with the Charity Shield match between Manchester United and Arsenal. After walking around for quite awhile looking for places to watch the match, we finally decided to drive to his friend's house to watch the match there. Sad to see them lose 3-1 but we made new friends. :)
-ChiangMai Day 3-
Miracle Kids in the morning. Had to play drums cos the drummer kid wasn't around. Saw that the kids really enjoyed themselves with the games, praise songs and activities. They also had to make mother's day cards in the afternoon. In Thailand, they celebrate mother's day on 8 August 12 August... Went shopping after Miracle Kids to buy groceries & ingredients for the mother's day lunch on Sunday. Kept getting ribbed about not helping Sidar carry the groceries. But I guess I was just asking for it when I kept mentioning how pretty she was to the team. Haha...
Girls in ChiangMai are generally better looking that Singaporean ones. I don't know whether its the way the Thais let their natural beauty show or because of the way they behave. In Singapore, everyone (in general) has a mindset of what beauty is. Its either make-up or showing skin... They try so hard to stand out that in the end, they all look the same.
But back to Sunday evening. We met up with Gloria & Pi Bae to go for the night bazaar. We had to leave Lynette at MacDonald's because she wasn't feeling well. Prayed for her and left for shopping. Was supposed to go back to get her after 30 mins but I got carried away while shopping that I realised only after 45 minutes... Took 5-10 minutes to run back to MacDonald's. Found her cheery & well, eating Fish O'Fillet and drinking hot tea. Bought 2 T-shirts that night. There was nothing else that caught my eye though... :(
There was one incident which surprised me while we were shopping. Lynette, Jeremy and myself were shopping and wanted to buy pillow covers. We had initially asked to get 4 for 300 baht. But the shop-keeper didn't want to reduce the price. So we walked away. While walking away, Lynette told me she'd rather get the pillow cases from an earlier shop which used better quality material. But while we were walking away, the shop-keeper gradually reduced the price to 300 baht. We stopped for a second but continued walking. Then we heard the shop-keeper hear something like 50 baht. We thought she reduced the price that much so we returned to the shop. When we wanted to look at the variety of designs, the shop-keeper said fiercely, "Don't touch. You no touch. You no good! You no good nature!"
We were rather stunned for awhile but we quickly walked away after that. We didn't realised that she was being sarcastic about the price. Other then that one undesirable incident, the night was thoroughly enjoyable.
Had to prepare a song to for Mother's Day service the next day. So we didn't sleep till quite late. They had to figure out the lyrics to the chinese dumex song about mothers and then translate it to English so that Pastor could translate it to Thai for the congregation. I fell asleep halfway because I was very tired from walking the night bazaar and also because I couldn't help with the chinese. :\
-ChiangMai Day 2-
This morning was spent at Sanphranet School. We split up into 3 groups. Stefanie & Jeremy took the primary 6s, Pat & Xiong took the Primary 4s and Lynette & I took the primary 5s. Lynette did most of the talking while I helped write words on the blackboard. Visited a couple of homes in the afternoon with Pastor Prasarn and we prayed for the villagers. I really enjoyed spending time with the people.
Had our worship practice in the evening. Thank God for Stefanie who played the guitars. Made the band sound fuller. Got some compliments from a few of the Thai guys but I'm beginning to wonder whether I'm cut out to be a drummer at all.. Maybe I should just be 'someone who can play the drums' instead. Maybe put those dreams of playing in a Christian band on hold till I get much much better.
So anyway, this kid played the drums for the miracle kids worship practice. He's good. Consistent... Something I have to be conscious about when I'm playing came naturally to him. :\
Ok alright... This post is dated 6 August but I actually wrote all this on my third night here. Simply because we are out the entire time. Been helping out with some of the church stuff here but not much really. God has been good though... I feel that we're really bonding as a team. A few bumps here and there but nothing that a dose of Godly love won't fix.... Let me try to recall what happened the past few days.
-ChiangMai Day 1-
The plane trip on AirAsia was an experience. We weren't use to some of their procedures. For example, free seating on the flight meant that a queue would start at the gate before it was opened. Slept for the most of the trip from Singapore to Bangkok after making countless jokes about being in a budget airline. Spent 8 hours at Bangkok airport basically lazing around talking. From Burger King where we had our lunch (They have a Whopper Double with bacon and cheese!!), we moved to Dairy Queen at the other end of the international airport. Had ice cream before eating pizza for an early dinner.
Had an enjoyable run/walk to the domestic flight terminal. It felt like we were on 'The Amazing Race'. Complete with an (almost)unknown language, out of date floor plans, people giving wrong directions as well as a delayed flight. Thank God we were finally able to get on the plane to Chiang Mai. More 'budget' jokes before I fell asleep again for the 1 hour plus flight.
Settled into Henry and Tuk's house quite comfortably. A few clashes in opinions but it all settled quickly. I guess its good that this team is made up of members who know how to focus on God. Slept soundly because we were all tired out...
Why do I journal online?
There's always been debate on why people keep online journals. Issues like wanting attention, being an exhibitionist or just wanting to speak out at others without consequence. (Think freedom of speech...) I think there are people who journal for those reasons. But for me, I feel that what started as a means to vent my shattered emotions, has turned into a sort of vault where I come back to every once in a while to see where and what I've been.
Over the many months spent writing, I've learnt that the main reason for writing the way I do, is to be honest with myself. So that I do not remain stagnent as a person. I was talking with a couple of old friends about this issue and I told him that journal was more for myself than for others to read... He shot back the question, why not keep a real journal then? Write with a pen on paper... I didn't answer him immediately but there were two answers in my mind at that very moment.
One being the fact that I'll have too many notebooks with the amount that I write...
And the second? Have you seen my handwriting?
And so I'll be leaving for ChiangMai tomorrow morning. Haven't packed yet. Waiting for more of the clothes to dry. Have to bring along guitar cable, drumsticks, someone's medicine and children's storybooks. The books are going to be heavy!
Just have to finish up the prayer newsletter.
Going to get back Dale's semi-acoustic guitar from Liwei now.
I didn't know how much Joe's absence from the team affected me till today. Just felt frustrated during practice. I've been doing a good job of letting God handle it but the reality of it all hit me today. We're going there to conduct a worship workshop and we don't have a full band. And not being able to find a replacement also took its toll on me. Wasn't able to play or worship God during the practice...
But I'm thankful for Shaoxiong for turning the practice into a worship by itself... Reminded me that God is in control and its not the number of people or whether there is a full band. Its whether we're obedient, whether we're listening and how much we want to serve. It usually takes things like this, things that are out of my control to remind me... Although I wasn't into the worship at the time, I felt better knowing that the team is in the right 'mode' and it encouraged me as I thought about it later. I have to keep up.
The thing is... This is not my best yet. I'm disappointed because I know I can offer more. I know we all can. The Lord doesn't love us any less if we're no good, true enough... I'm just not satisfied with what I'm giving. For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son... He gave His best. Its as if I'm not doing Him justice. The thing is we don't condemn ourselves if we can't achieve the best all the time cos He doesn't condemn us. But no way am I going to sit back and be satisfied with what I'm offering now...
::: Quote of the Day :::
The more we cry out...
the Lord is attuned to our voice
and he will answer our heart's cry
We have a very important part to play in this last day great revival
And its time for us to gear up
Its time for us to take our place
| Lynette Hagin |
Alright, alright... Its a sign that it may be possible after all... But still I'm waiting. Some pieces still don't fit and I can't make them fit any quicker.
And so this week has been tiringly good. Enjoyed myself at SonicFest on Saturday. Met some nice people. I was soaked in the rain for most of the morning and I was shivering because there was a fan in the tentage area. But it got better after a few hours. Spent most of the day putting on the admission tags on people's wrist (Left wrist please!), checking people's bags (Any food and drinks, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, explosives, weapons?) and handing out flyers.
The thing that surprises me is why people get so offended that we need to check their bags. It takes only a few seconds and I only look for the things mentioned above. I got dirty stares, dirty words and dirty actions. We do it so that you guys have a safe enjoyable experience at the festival. A few seconds for peace of mind is a worthwhile thing don't you think? =P
Had GG after service yesterday... Good teaching from Stanley. He spoke about how as leaders we must change ourselves so as to influence change. Because the people are usually limited by their leaders. On the other hand, we were told during the sunday sermon that we should not be selfish and keep looking inwards... Hmmm... who to follow? Who to listen to? I'm sorry, if I'm expected to feed His sheep, I need to have food and to know what it tastes like right? So if the hand doesn't feed, I'll definitely go somewhere else to look.
Going for practice in church now. Still praying that everything goes according to God's plan. We all need to get into the correct mindset, the correct 'groove' so to speak. I'm rushing this post... Gotta run!
SonicFest'04 was really an experience... Being part of the crew made me see a different aspect of the event as a whole. I see and hear about the prayer there went into the preparation of the event. And God reminded me again that it solely depends on how much we pray. How badly do we want people to be saved? Enough to spend an hour a day praying?
I've been praying for my church... I've been crying out to God for them and I believe its time to start praying the same way for the church in ChiangMai, Sanphranet. The results depend on our prayers! Its as simple as that!
Prayed for God to stir up the passion... I need a whiff of that passion that Jesus had when He died for me.
I stayed over last night at the Leaders' Hangout... Much of the time was spent aimlessly... Just waiting for different things to happen. In the end, we did some group study and sharing on leadership. More on the benefits of certain habits and the excuses that prevent us from fulfilling these habits.
Tried to sleep quite early but kept waking up at one hour intervals during the night. Woke myself up at 5:45 am to leave for home to collect my festival stuff... Praise God for the strength that He provided...
Tired now... I'm going to sleep. My feet are hurting from being wrinkled up. Because my shoes were wet from the rain in the morning. And so the underside of my feet began wrinkling up and it hurt when I walked just now... Praise God that my feet will recover very soon.
::: Poem of the Day :::
I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.
Up vistaed hopes I sped;
And shot, precipitated,
Adown Titanic glooms of chasmed fears,
From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.
But with unhurrying chase,
And unperturbeded pace,
Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,
They beat -- and a voice beat
More instant than the Feet --
"All things betray thee, who betrayest Me."
I pleaded, outlaw-wise,
By many a hearted casement, curtained red,
Trellised with intertwining charities;
(For, though I knew His love Who followèd,
Yet was I sore adread
Lest, having Him, I must have naught beside.)
| Excerpt from The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson |
What a day... Did two loads of washing today. Cleaned the house like never before. Vaccumed the living room, dining room and corridor. Then after that wiped the floor... No, I didn't mop the floor... I wiped it... With a cloth. Yes. On my knees.
The mission trippers came over for briefing/meeting and we discussed what we were planning to do for the trip. Mainly shared about our desire to serve and follow God's guidance. I was really blessed by the time of prayer. Really felt encouraged by the Spirit as well as by the rest of the team.
Sad thing is that we heard from Joe that he couldn't get leave... Well, we're continuing to pray for a miracle to happen. He is the God who makes a way when there is no other way right?
No way I'm going to be discouraged by this... I'm going to pray. Because its clear what favour we've gotten from God and I must practice what I 'preach' when I say, we don't let circumstances or the situation bring us down. My God is in control...
::: Verse of the Day :::
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.
If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.
If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.
| 1 Corinthians 3:11-15 |
After teaching discipleship group on Sunday, Justin asked some questions that made me think... He was talking about what he had learnt from others about each one interpreting the bible differently. I believe that although its true that there is no set syllabus, we are still accountable to what we tell others about. People tend to blur the lines between right and wrong. You won't go to hell if you don't believe in healing from God through Christ. But you don't know what you're missing out on.
My opinion is, as long as you are walking closely with God. Spending time with Him and listening to Him, you should be alright. Of course there is the matter of obeying what time bible says. Kenneth Hagin Jr. hit the nail on the head when he wrote in His bible "what the Word says, I will do."
We must also take into consideration what example we're setting to others. But again, if Christ shines through, we don't have to worry about that.
Of course... this is susceptible to more debate.
Good evening world... Had a great morning when I woke up today. Watched a live conference on Rhema.org. Prayed for our church after it all. Frustration will drive a man to pray. Too often prayer is a last resort when actually it should be the first thing we do. It kinda irritates me when, sometimes in some committees or teams, you feel that they pray just because it a Christian thing to do... Something to get out of the way because its customary to do it... You can tell. There is a significant difference!
Anyway, after doing some housework, I left to meet Lynette for lunch... Had Ban Mian at Simei. Then we went to Nanyang Optical to get new glasses. I wonder why they still call them glasses when they're made of plastic and metal. Just a thought... And I got psychoed into getting 6 months worth of contact lenses too. But I'm looking forward to wearing spectacles again... :P
Came home after doing some grocery shopping and I was whisked away...
::: Lyric of the Day :::
It's our time to shine through the down
glorified by what is ours
We've fallen in love
It was the best idea I ever had
Today I fell and felt better
Just knowing this matters
I just feel stronger
And sharper...
Found a box of sharp objects
What a beautiful thing
| the used - a box full of sharp objects |
Woke up this morning with a backache... But I felt much better than the night before. I guess its good that I got sufficient rest. Felt glad to be able to go to church to serve God by playing the drums for worship. It felt good to worship God this morning. Felt refreshed by His presence. I wonder if the other musicians feel the same way when they play. Again, there was no comments on my drumming so I don't know if I did well. I need to know how to improve myself... Joshua did mention that it was a little messy at the end but he didn't elaborate on how to improve it.
Had discipleship group after service. Did the teaching on God's Word - God's healing. It felt good to teach... It feels more natural now that I'm comfortable with what I'm speaking in front of them. And it feels good to teach people who want to learn. Its like their desire energizes me. I thank God that I was able to answer most of their questions. Must get Andy to give me a debrief of the teaching. :P
An opportunity arises...
What are you doing, daryl?
I feel so lifeless now. So tired... We lost the soccer match 4-2. I think we really let ourselves down. It wasn't like we were outplayed or anything. How do you lead a group of guys if they question your every decision. Or give you a long face when you have to take them out. I wonder how coaches and managers take the pressure. When things are going well, everyone pats you on the back. But when things go wrong, words are muttered under their breath and they try to murder you with their stares...
We started out with a standard 4-4-2 formation. But the whole team was in a mess during the first 10 minutes... Some players were out of position and a lot weren't chasing the ball. So I made a few changes to the team and I was impressed with the way the team fought back to be 2-1 up by the end of the first half.
Decided to go for a more attacking formation in the 2nd half and revert to the 3-2-3-2 formation that we used 2 weeks ago. Thats when the team and the tactics went berserk. The team was complaining that they were left open at the flanks. So the 3 central defenders started going out of position to cover the wings. Leaving the center even more exposed.
The idea of the 3-2-3-2 formation was not to cover the flanks but pack the center of defense... But somehow the team forgot the way we played 2 weeks ago and were unnerved by PLMC's wingers. We were the ones supposed to attack their flanks but the team kept trying to go through the center. They had a 5 man defense and it was like we were banging our heads on the wall.
That was the tactical aspect of the match which I was really disappointed about. I would have thought that with all their worries about being caught out at the flanks, that there would be at least one goal conceded from the flank or because of the flanks... But the goals all came through the center. Having an attacking formation would mean that we would be left slightly open at the back. But apparently the players weren't comfortable with that at all. I guess I should just have stuck with a 4-4-2 diamond midfield.
Went to Orchard Cineleisure after the match to watch A Vacant Affair. They only performed one and a half songs before they were cut because it was "raining". (there were like a few drops) One of the sound crew was just being a pain... I think that the organisers of Tapestry are crap to not be able to provide tentage... Or at least plastic covers for the amps. Oh well...
I'm in the mood to reflect over the today's incidents... Overpaid for a lousy field, got blamed for bad tactics, missed a golden opportunity during the match, played below my expectations, doubted my leadership, saw the band get cut, orchard made me moody. Not really much fun today. Whats there to learn from all this? Anyone knows?
Woke up quite early today... Finalised the venue for soccer. We'll be playing all the way in Farrer Park. Cambridge Primary School or something like that. Really looking forward to it.
Anyway, cleaned the dog area and scrubbed my soccer boots before leaving to go to Lynette's place. She was having contractors over to do her toilet... Prepared the teaching for DG this sunday. Learnt something while preparing. It really struck me when I read it.
"According to your faith will it be done to you"
| Matthew 9:29 |
According to my faith. Meaning as much as I believe! Meaning I am restricted by my unbelief. Meaning God can't use me if I lack the faith! Which means I need to build up my faith!
It really amazes me how verses can jump out at you all of a sudden. As if it was the first time you've seen them. And I learnt something else. Its not as simple as saying that you believe what the bible says. You have to meditate on it... Infuse it into your spirit. Until you know for sure! Until doubt bounces off you like bullets shot at a tank...
Had briefing for SonicFest'04 at St George's... Quite a large venue. The mainstage will be set up in a soccer field. So there's no worry about space. Loved the way they spoke of the things of God. Lets do things properly so that when the time comes for God to take over, it'll be the best platform for Him to work.
Marcus also shared about 2 Samuel 24:24. Another verse which impacted me greatly. "...I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing."
Made me think back on what I felt last night... What have I sacrificed? Nothing much. I have not given anything of great importance. I have not done anything that has a lasting value. What good have I done for the Kingdom of God? Nope... I want to do more... I want to do things for God and show Him when I face Him in heaven... See! This is what I've done for you. And although there's no cover charge to get in here, I did it because I love You. Because I want to see that smile on your face which will tell me, I did alright...
The highlight of my day was that I finally was able to shit... After Apple & Orange Juice Mix last night and many cups of Fruit Tree Orange, I have liberated my stomach. Hallelujah!
Spent much of the late morning and early afternoon doing assorted housework. Cleaning the dog area, setting the washing machine and then hanging out the clothes. Left for city hall to meet Liwei and Jeremy. Supposed to meet them this morning for breakfast and then to send Nathan off but I had this really good dream which I just had to see the ending of... I hope he understands... :P
So anyway, I went for a Burger King lunch. This was the first time in days that I finally could eat in peace without having visions of my stomach exploding. Wahaha... So after that the three of us went to peninsula to shop... I ended up buying a pair of drumsticks, a red trucker cap and a pair of goggles.
Rushed home to try out my new pair of goggles and they work very well! I've been swimming more ever since the pool reopened than I have ever swum since I've moved here. Its been like 10 years? The new pool area is nice with palm trees and all. I love it especially in the evenings when the sky is painfully blue and the orange sun peeks from behind the countless white clouds. Makes life seem so peaceful and quiet. And it makes a great workout as well!
Accompanied Matthew to the Tapestry gig Briefing in Toa Payoh. Had a great time thinking of new band names and laughing at them. We realised that there were quite a few band names that have to do with traffic lingo... For example, 'No Right Turn', 'Left Turn on Red', 'Dead End'.
So I decided to come up with a band name 'Hump Ahead'. With the album name, 'Basic Theory' and the hit single, 'No Parking'. WAHAHA!!!
Ok... It was more funny when we were talking about it. =/
Its been 3 days since I had a proper dump in the toilet... (read: shit!) I've been drinking fruit juice to try to help things along. (Pun intended!) I think its sort of caused by the anti-diarrhea medicine I took when I had stomach flu. When I was taking the medicine, I thought it wasn't working. Now, its working too well...
Just came back from a late evening swim... Kinda relaxing to swim at night. The only problem was I couldn't see where I was swimming without goggles. In the day, I can still make out where I'm going by opening my eyes underwater. But at night, its harder to see objects like the wall and to estimate the distance, so I start panicking because I'm afraid of hitting the wall... Had to go up to borrow goggles from Yvette.
Went to watch I, robot with Dale & Yvette in the evening... Its a good show! I thought it asked meaningful questions about things like purpose in life and loving our creator. Good show for future Movie MagiXS. :D
I would rate it 4 out of 5!!!
Spent the afternoon with Lynette today. Went shopping for airline tickets to Chiang Mai at People's Park in Chinatown... Realised quickly that flights by Thai Airways was sold out and flights by silkair were selling out quickly. So we decided to call Jeremy to book the flights through AirAsia... We managed to get our tickets for a cheaper price but not without a lot of trouble and a lot of phone calls! Kudos to Jeremy for his patience and willingness to help!!! :D
Gotta go sleep soon. Hafta wake up at 5:30am... Sending Nathan into army and we having breakfast at Raimah...
I apologise in advance if I start rambling in this post. I can't seem to think straight. Haven't been eating much these few days and its beginning to show. Lost weight already. I'm getting skinny again... (People will say, "When were you ever not skinny???) But I thank God that I'm recovering.
The things that happened today made me look back and think through my own expectations. I've realised that I spot other people's mistakes almost immediately. Not like I'm intentionally on the look out for these mistakes but just so that I can let them know about it. So quick to pick on others. I could be ignorant of my own shortcomings staring in my face. My sister says that the best way is to listen out to what God tells you. He'll let you know if you're screwing up. But only if you're listening...
So am I listening?
Not all the time... For one thing, listening takes a quiet heart free of distractions. And my mind on the other hand wants distractions like a kid wants candy. Even when I have nothing else to do, and the only thing left to do is to sit with God and read the bible. My mind will conveniently 'overlook' that option. Probably to sit at the computer reading or playing computer games or flipping through the dozens of channels on the television. I'll get to it tonight.
I have this exercise book where I used to jot down my ex-girlfriend's SMSes... Stumbled across it when I was looking for something to read in my bookshelf. Anyway, all the SMSes that meant something to me were written in there along with the date and time. (There were alot of them!) I was reading through some of the messages and it reminded me of why I was so afraid when I broke up with her. I was afraid that I'll never be loved the way she portrayed in those messages ever again. The way she reassured me of her love and the way she encouraged me to strive after God. Can it be found again? Or was it a fluke in the massive plan of the universe that was righted after we broke up? Dare I suggest that it was a fluke in God's plan? Or more likely my impatience in finding a girlfriend?
I'm told and I believe that God's plan has in store a better partner for me. But a part of me dreads that in a totally selfish way. Will she be what I expected? Will she fit my impression of 'better'? So many questions again! But the answer remains the same.
Managed to go for John & Debbie's wedding dinner last night. Managed to eat some food. Still recovering from stomach flu. The atmosphere was a bit subdued though... Maybe because of the mix of people from UK and people from Singapore... Cultural differences? Hahaha!!! The UK people kept toasting to every single person and kept making this poor boy stand up and sit down.
I dropped by to esplanade to see Electrico play at the arena. Had time to burn while waiting for the wedding dinner to start. I think the people there were quite to see some guy dressed in formal wear strolling around the place. Bought the survival pack for $20...
Parents left for overseas this morning. Can't remember whether they're going UK or Australia... Hahaha.
Hmm... Today was a horrible day... Had a viral infection in my tummy... So my body decided to empty my stomach of all material. From both ends. Not a very pleasant experience. Haven't been this ill in ages. I wonder what I ate... Thank God I'm feeling better now. Missed Debbie's wedding ceremony though. Praying that I'll be well in time for the dinner tomorrow.
Took this quiz from Aaron's blog... I agree with my results totally!!! HAHAHA!!!
Baybeats 2004...
Reached there in time for the last band... Standard Screamo band... Nothing fantastic at all... Looking forward to tomorrow. Better lineup!
A Vacant Affair will be distributing their re-recorded single, "How About Enough?" tomorrow. So look out for us to get a copy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
That final stretch home always brings memories
Thoughts that contradict the resolutions I've made
They've moved on, they've lived their lives
And here I am, wandering, clinging to yesterday
To dreams I've dreamt and wishes that went
Unfulfilled, Unattained
To questions I've asked and love I've lost
Unanswered, Rejected...
I return to you...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Watched spiderman 2... Its much too emo! Left me speechless many times... I was wondering why Dashboard Confessional did a song for the soundtrack. Now I know...
Took number 7 home. Its been awhile since I've enjoyed a good long bus ride. Reflecting on what I've become these few months. All I can say is that I'm getting more and more imperfect. I don't know if its a gradual realisation of what I've been all along or its a journey I'm on after picking up new things. And its leaving me hugely unsatisfied... Usually people get better at life as time goes by. Armed with more experience, they tackle the unknown with a quiet confidence. But me... I'm carried along kicking and screaming...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Back and forth, on it goes
Never stopping, it flows through
The pathway, lined with bodies
Burning the excess fat
But the useless mass lies in the head
It creates and then cripples,
Entrances and then terrifies,
This is the new, this is the time
Be very quiet, not a sound
As the tinkle of glass pierces
It cuts the air like a machete
And its whistle unfurls the intent
While a single tear traverses
Down the curves of her cheek
Undaunted by creases in her smile
This is the time, this is the age
As lips touch, heaven unleashed
In the seconds that take years to arrive
Parallels that will never meet
Will there ever be closure
Is this simply a travesty of love?
A mockery of the great sacrifice?
A hope given only to be taken away?
Is this the end? Will there ever be?
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Wahey... I'm emo.
Emo! You're very in touch with your emotions and
that's what I like about you! It's all about
the music for you... I have pity for your
tortured soul...you're just like me...
What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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For everytime I've given in, there's always regret
For even the slightest whim, its there to distract
Its like aiming with my weaker eye and hoping to hit
These man-made signs lead you, they try to make you stupid
Sitting by the stairs leading to the unknown
But I need some help, can't make it on my own
Need some time to make up my mind,
to wait for that empty touch
the sun will come
its time to march, its time to march on
I need a way to destroy myself
to burn myself, to murder me
I can no longer be who you want me to be
And I can no longer go back to the way i was before
Not anymore...
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Hooray... Its been a very long day. Sang backup for worship in the first and second service. Got good comments from a few people. I'm glad! I'm glad that some people really managed to meet God in the worship.
The double act is trying to make its way back. And I'm trying to let it. Yes... trying... Cos my Spirit's not letting me just do it. And I'm glad it doesn't.
Keith got the 3 CDs for me. I wished I could order CDs from the US every other week... Had a family reunion dinner at Aunt Juling's house tonight. Good to see everyone in good health. I shall retire to bed soon... Got to much on my mind to stay up!
What a day!!! What a match!!! Charis MC's first win in I dunno how long!! Final score 3-1!
Credit goes to the team from Paya Lebar! They put up a tough fight in the first half and Charis MC was pushed back for long periods of time. When CMC did get a chance to attack, borrowed defender, Jianping, was there to put out any danger. Both teams struggled to find their rhythm in the first half but it was a rare error by Jianping that led to CMC's first goal. The ball was going back to the keeper when the solid defender put the ball in his own net. CMC had more chances to increase the lead with former team captain, Raymond hitting the bar with a almost-perfect freekick. So thats how the score stayed... 1-0 to CMC at half time...
The 2nd half saw changes made to CMC's attack. Daryl replaced Jean Francois at right midfield, Jeremy Wee replace Joel Ong in attack and Amos Wee replaced Dennis as defensive midfield. New import 'KC' also made a big impact as leftback. These changes seemed to bring life to Charis MC's attack as they continued to pile the pressure. This was evident in the many corner kicks that PLMC gave away. Many chances were squandered much to the displeasure of most of the players, but none as evident as CMC captain, Daryl. However, from a corner taken by Daryl, the ball was delivered into the center of the box where it was powered home by CMC's experimental striker, Liwei. 2-0 to CMC!
CMC seemed to grow in confidence and Nathan and Raymond were having a field day making experimental changes to the side... Another experimental striker, Dennis, had a chance to make it 3-0 when he muscled his way into the box. With one defender left in his wake and another struggling to keep up, you would put your money on Dennis to finish the move. But the bulky man was put off by the keeper coming off his line and smashed his shot into the crossbar! More chances continued to come but CMC did not managed to finish them. One humourous example was when Jianping and Jeremy Wee got in each others way and Jianping was left kicking air. Jeremy Wee did well in his first outing in CMC colours as he used his blistering pace to good effect. The young Abel Gan also did well to impress the team with his calmness under pressure at right back.
After another failed attacking move by CMC, the players were getting back into position when the keeper gave a poor pass to one of his players. Daryl, seeing the opportunity, pressured and won the ball from the defender and but slightly overhit it towards the opponent's centreback. With determination, he managed to charge down the ball and run towards the opponents goal. Having to keep balance to prevent himself from being forced wide and seeing the keeper charge out, he managed to keep possession and finally flick the ball past the hapless keeper for the 3rd goal of the game sealing CMC's win.
PLMC managed to get a consolation goal when CMC started an all out attack and was caught open at the back. But it was too little too late for the plucky side. It would seem that a lack of subsitutes was the reason for PLMC's downfall. Lets hope that the 2nd leg will be better.
I don't know who made the time slow down!!! I've been up since 7-ish... Lying in bed looking at my phone waiting for it to turn 9. Then when I go back to sleep for what seems to be a few hours and wake up, only 15 minutes have past. It kep happening till 9:25am when i got out of bed. Time slows down when you're looking forward to something... :P
Prayed for the match and the people too... I prayed that the weather would stay cool and that the match will be played in good spirit. Hopefully this will be an avenue to invite new friends to come.
Going to wash up and prepare now... We shall WIN!!!
My head has been hurting... I've been thinking about certain things much too much. Especially since I wake up at 9 every morning when the sun shines into my room. It pierces the back of my brain and reminds me what I was thinking of the night before... Makes me very tired in the mornings.
But I'm glad I get to spend some time with God in the afternoons... This afternoon my mom and I went to do our hair. It was at her friend's house. Sort of a home salon. I dyed, highlighted & trimmed my hair for 60 bucks. I think its value for money. Kinda striking now. I guess its nice lah. :P
I had to endure 45 minutes of burning scalp for it...
Just finalised the location for this saturday's soccer match. Charis MC. vs Paya Lebar MC. We should be playing at Marina South at 1pm on saturday. Really looking forward to it. The thought of running with a ball at my feet along the stretch of grass just makes my heart race! No disrespect to Paya Lebar but I think that we have a chance of winning this game. Finally this will be our hour of glory!!!
::: Quote of the Day :::
Most of the great art in the world is about that very problem
Good looking people, they got no spines
Their art never lasts... And (yet) they get the girls
But we're smarter
Thats what the great art is about
The guilt and the longing
Love to these guys is sex
and sex to these guys is love
| From the movie 'Almost Famous' |
A couple of questions that Andy posted on the XS forum
Questions that may even shake the deepest foundation of our faith....
Why are you so sure that what we believe in is for real?
and
If we 1st believe in Christ for the sake of fearing eternal death and by believing in Him we are saved... does'nt that mean we are believing it for our own good? Is that not selfish?
Why am I so sure?
Well, we humans are strange things. We need evidence or proof that God exists. Whereas in Christianity, a lot of the spiritual lessons that we need to learn requires something called faith. Somethings just don't work without it. Theres the crux of the problem. On one hand, we want evidential proof that God exists and that He'll actually do what He promises in the bible. On the other, the bible says that these things have been given to us and simply requires our faith to work. So how? Many people can't get past this hurdle. Sometimes because of obstacles that have been put in our way such as doubts or temptations.
I'm sure because God has not let me down. He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. When I hung out with the wrong company and did all sorts of crap in secondary school, He still ran to me when I called out to Him. When I failed my first year at poly, He guided me and gave me back my self worth. When I was crushed by a bad breakup he pieced me back together. Time and time again, He's been there for me when I couldn't help myself. Even if it was I who chose to do wrong in the first place. He always bailed me out. After all the times I went through hell, making bad decision and basically being the biggest fool. (Because of the shit I put others through)
There came a point in time where I didn't want to be without Him anymore. I didn't want to go through life making the same mistakes to different people. I didn't want to go through life aimlessly any longer.
I guess being born into a Christian family and being a 4th generation Christian has its priviledges. I sort of knew how to talk to God already and how to turn to Him when things went wrong. So I dedicated my life to Him and put whatever was left of my miserable life into His hands and said, "Here... Take this. Use it however you like but I don't know whether it'll be any good. Its broken."
He did use me and I believe He'll continue to use me to achieve much greater things! He has not failed me ever since I've given my life to Him. My life, being guided by Him, has been generally a smooth one. Not without incident, but all manageable and bearable because He's with me.
But why am I so sure? He is just like a friend whom I can converse with. He tells me things and when I obey, things ALWAYS turn out right in the end. He provides for every need that I have. He's opened doors and made opportunities available for me. Such that I have such an enjoyable time serving Him. All I can say is that with God, you have to make the step of faith to really see Him. And I'm glad that He reveals Himself to me in this way... Bit by bit... Cos I treasure what I discover more! And I grow to love Him more.
Are we being selfish by believing in Him initially for salvation?
Well... Let me put it this way. If your best pal bought you a country club membership. And offered to you citing the benefits that the club offered, would you be selfish to accept the membership? Does that mean that since we want the benefits, we're having selfish motives? Its been bought, its been given. All we have to do is accept!!!
Of course naturally we have to move on from just collecting the benefits to finding ways to bless others as well... Its only selfish when we continue just to think about how to gain from the 'membership'.
I don't know if I've answered the questions at all... Just wrote the thoughts that came to mind when I read the questions. I like question that make me think about the faith. Chances are I've thought through them before. Oh... And another reason why I belive? Because I've consicously tried to doubt it before. I've tried to find the smallest reason to stop beliving and with my limited intellect I couldn't. Having said that, even geniuses like C.S. Lewis believed after constant questioning.
Played for service today. Got into the right mode of worship quite easily. Played more comfortably too. Trying to play and improve at the same time is quite difficult but I'll keep trying. I'm beginning to question the sermons coming from the pulpit... Maybe its a lull.
I sang backup for todays worship practice... The singing was alright. Had a little trouble with the harmony because it meant singing higher than the melody. So I had to strain a little to hit the notes.
Had new musicians so it was a little tedious during practice. But its something we have to endure if we're to encourage new musicians to step up. Praying for more musicians to come. We need them.
::: Thought of the Day :::
I want to...
But should I?
As far as I see...
It won't get anywhere...
Good evening... I just got back from supper... Only had one chicken wing. Didn't have much of an appetite. The performance at PLMC was good but I kinda screwed up in the 2nd song. Wahahaha... Nevermind. The bands did pretty well... Was disappointed by the 2nd band. They did so well during the practices and impressed me so much but sounded pretty tame during the actual thing. Sonicedge as usual, blew me away with their tightness, loudness and amazing desire to worship God with every movement and every note. It was beautiful...
So beautiful...
I'm wary.
So ugly
I'm weary...
I had a nice talk with Josephine before the concert started. Shared about my direction and what I wanted to achieve in life. And she shared about how God has been taking care of her in her life. And how, in her independence, she had to depend solely on God. And God carried her through.
Dear Lord, how can I compare? People better than me, more effective than me in every aspect that I wish to serve you in. You don't require the best I know... Just my best. But I think there's something about being the best and then giving that to you? I don't know, Lord. But this is something I want to do for you. I pray that you'll open doors for me to learn. That there will opportunities for me to improve myself. Cos I know Lord, I'm not satisfied with what I'm offering. I want to be more effective for you. I don't know if there's such a thing as being selfless for personal glory but I pray that I'm not doing that.
::: Song of the Day :::
Oh my God
I've been waiting for you all of my life
The trees are tired from breathing
Sharks keep moving never stopping
Sharks keep moving on
Cut out my eyes
to spite my heart
Wish for sleep but never stopping
Assignments pile up.
| further seems forever - Aurora Borealis (In Long Form) |
Surely there will be someone. Surely? Or are my expectations filtering every other person out? Until nothing comes through... Is it me who needs to change my expectations? Or is it a matter of excercising faith?
I've found out something else about what I like. Innocence, a desire to learn, a desire for the duality of God's work... Both the simplicity & complexity of it. Is it really that impossible?
And I better watch myself again. To make myself worth it... Does every girl stop learning at 18? Do their desires change so greatly at that age? Is there no one like me? No one who refuses to obey the world? Or has a desire to serve God? Maybe I changed too early? Maybe I got my eyes opened sooner than anyone else? Maybe by some divine accident, I've been jolted awake 4 or 5 years too early? Like waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.
Is my trusting God just a cover for not wanting to do things by myself? A diversion for laziness? If it was, I would just be walking into the pit of death. Maybe this isn't how things work... Maybe one must have the ability to give up their qualifications (diplomas, degrees, masters, doctorates) and a stable job to be considered useful for the Kingdom of God. People like me who no longer see a need to chase after these worthless things are of a lower standard in His service... Cos thats how I feel I'm treated.
I CANNOT SERVE GOD!!!
Why?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO...
Oh boohoo... thats your problem my dear boy.
And I feel as if I'm just a immature little punk who doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I feel like the little boy who gets his hair ruffled by a proud uncle who chuckles to himself, "How cute" and hands him a dollar for making him laugh. And the worst thing? I feel as if I've said all this before... As if I'm being put on repeat in a CD player. And tomorrow, it won't matter. Because no one pays attention to the punk with earrings. Cos he doesn't know what he's talking about. He is just a classic example of the 'young people' which are polluting our society. It seems that how I look matters to you more than it does to me, doesn't it?
There's nothing keeping me here except committment to several people that I feel a need to be with. I feel a responsibility for them. Because with this glass ceiling, I can never move up. If I can't get what I want, thats bad enough. But not being able to do what I want to do for God, thats worse...
But its still what I want to do... Sigh...
Hello world... Before I begin, please banish all thoughts about pride and egoism. This is not what this entry is about. And I don't claim that what I say about myself is true. But don't miss the point.
Is it enough to be good at the things you do? I've been blessed with ability to do certain things well... But these things by themselves don't mean a thing. So what if you can play soccer better than anyone in church? Who cares if you're good at playing the drums? So what if people think you have a nice voice or can write nice lyrics? Who actually gives a damn whether or not you dance better than the people at PLMC? All these doesn't matter... And why not? Because there'll always be someone better...
But you're different! You're doing this for God!
And I could rattle off names of people who are doing more for Him and giving more to Him. And they don't look for recognition... Or they manage to put down seeking recognition. So are my motives pure? Or do I have a secret desire for fame? Maybe I like the attention... Or maybe its the thrill of getting compliments. I don't know what it is. But I do know that God has blessed me with another thing. The mundanity of it all without Him in the center... The self-seeking thrill will not last. The climax will be short-lived just like every other worldly passion. And I'm relieved it does. I really am...
But there is another passion I have which distracts... Another passion which could take the place of my One True Love. And it almost would if it wasn't so damn foolish. If it wasn't so... unrealistic. Not in a hopeless romantic way, but unrealistic in a practical way. Can anyone say 'déjà vu'?
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Take Time to Find
Love and reality alternate
Taking turns to drive
I'll accept this, my cruel fate
While I wait for her to arrive
This seems to be the perfect plan
But soon I realise
The more I look, the less fate's hand
will bring us to collide
And because chance plays no part
In the game of life
decisions and choices of the heart
must not be made with the mind
And so my will is set
and I put my best foot forward
But faith seems to be short lived
And I whimper like a coward
Time takes twice as long
when you're waiting for her to grow
Be strong, you cannot be wrong
This many times in a row
Fear of the unknown and unseen
can drive a man mad
Especially if someone else might win
a woman's favour is not to be shared
So as the wise men always say
The best is yet to come
I strive on, her love I crave
The journey has begun
Reminded constantly to keep in step
with the one who made this path
You're not ready, not quite yet
Still a diamond in the rough
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The Visits
